My Week at Bloomington Monday, May 6 2013

Well I have written about three people I met.  They had the most interesting stories, but they weren’t the only people I met.  There were plenty of people going in and out of the adult unit while I was there but I don’t really feel the need to write about them.  Instead, I have come to the part that I have been sort of dreading… Telling you my story.  I’m almost ashamed to say that what you are about to read is extremely true.

It started February 24 when I walked through the doors of Bloomington Meadows.  The sound of the Disney Channel was playing in the background and there was a woman professional hairstyle sitting behind the front desk.  I carefully approach, trying to find comfort behind my mom, like a small child hiding behind their mother’s skirt.  My eyes are fluttering about, taking in the plain decorations, words written on a wall that I don’t read, a man sitting in the lobby area laughing at something on the television.

My mom and the receptionist exchange words, my sister holds her intense glare at the walls, or the floor, or anything stationary.  We sit in the lobby and I study the grown man watching the Disney Channel.  Is he a patient here? I wonder.  But instead of worrying about this, I start to anticipate what is behind the doors that separate me from the “crazies”.

“Shyanne?”  I stand up and turn around.  My mom and sister also rise.  “Do you want them to come with you?”

“I’d rather do this alone.” I turn to my mom who nods her head then sits back down.

The man introduces himself and we go to a small room with pictures of childish ants covering the walls.  I stare at the basket holding pens, tissues, and a blood pressure cuff.  I explain why I’m there to him and he nods his head slowly.

Everything that happens next happened so quickly, I never really got a grasp on it.

Our conversation ended.  I was checked in.  My mom’s crying.  Now they’re gone.  I’m changing into paper thing clothes.  I take a frigid shower that makes it hard to breathe.  I’m cold.  New faces.  What are their names?  Group session now.

Before I knew it, I was now a patient at Bloomington Meadows.  I was here because I had tried to kill myself.

In my first group therapy session I told my story to faces I didn’t know.  The looks they gave me were of shock and disbelief.

I had met a someone online on a website that I thought was meant to help people who were suicidal not kill their-self.  I later realized that the person I was talking to wasn’t all they had said they were.  I began to suspect that this person was actually involved in something illegal, and unethical.  Something like human/sex trafficking.

In August of last year, I took a gun and placed it to my head.  However, I was unable to pull the trigger.  That was when I joined that website, to get help so that I wouldn’t want to pull the trigger.  However, it didn’t help.  But I knew that I was too afraid to pull it myself.  So I decided to have this person do it for me.

I had purchased the ticket, packed my bag, and already rode a plane from Indianapolis to Chicago.  I was waiting to board the flight to Scotland when I was pulled of by Chicago police because I was, as my mom had put it to them, “a danger to myself and others.”  It was then that I was labelled with that, A Danger to Self.  I still carry that label, but I hope to shed it in the near future.

From Chicago O’Hare I begrudgingly went to my grandparent’s house.  I was still wanting to get on the plane and have my life ended for me by getting involved in this human trafficking thing.  Everything in my life changed that day.  My mom looked at me differently; my sister glared at me; many tears were shed; and I was an emotionless zombie.  All I wanted was to die.  Seeing my family in this turmoil made me want to scream, but nothing came out.  Instead I sat with my arms crossed and my gaze cast downward.  No matter what anyone said to me, I refused to show emotion… which only made it worse.

As I explained this to the group they stared silently.  “Wow,” was all Sue could say.  Then Kelly, my roommate who was there for cutting and detoxification, laid her hand on my arm and gave a gentle squeeze.  I slightly smiled then asked for them to move on.

The next day was when Nancy showed up.  She couldn’t believe it; she actually started crying.  She later told me that she was very glad I was taken from the plane because “you’re such a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart.”

Over the course of nine days I made many friends who didn’t last.  In physical therapy there were the girls who always talked cautiously when around us, as if one wrong word from their mouth could cause us all to go into a suicidal frenzy.  In expressive therapy, there was the friendly (but blunt) black woman who said I was stupid because the traffickers wouldn’t just kill me, they would use and abuse me first.  “That’s no way to die, sweetheart.  You better die an old lady or I’m going to kill you.”  (Yeah, never made sense to me either..)  Sue, who was my biggest supporter.  She was sweet but very blunt as well.  We called her the tree-killer because we all leave there with bulging folders filled with inspirational papers.

My week at Bloomington changed my life completely.  Every day I grow a little stronger mentally.  Every day my heart sympathizes for the people who have yet to seek the help they so desperately need.

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If you or someone you know is dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts or actions, self-harming, or anything of the sort, please seek help.  Call the Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255   Don’t give up.  The help you need is out there.

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Bloomington Meadows (Part III) Saturday, May 4 2013

For my next installment, I would like to talk about Jimmy.  Jimmy had also arrived a day or two prior to my arriving.  When I arrived I noticed that he seemed too happy to be in an asylum, but I figured that meant that the doctor’s here knew what they were doing.

After everyone had regrouped after Alyssa’s story, Sue turned to Jimmy who had been snoring lightly.  “Jimmy!” Sue snapped, “Wake up!” Jimmy woke up with a grunt and wiped the drool that had collected on his cheek.

“What?” he growled like a hibernating bear.  Sue explained what we were doing and asked him to recount why he was there.  He let out a long sigh and said, “I have anger issues.”  I was very curious because the Jimmy I had met was fun-loving, sweet, and always game for a laugh.  “I’m here because some guy was talkin’ crap and I wanted to punch his face in.  We were gonna meet after school but the principal stopped it.  He’s the one who said I should go here.”

Sue nodded thoughtfully as the girl next to me doodled and let out a small giggle.  Sue then looked at her watch and let us out for a half hour of free time.  Most everyone went to the day room to watch T.V., I followed them and sat down a seat away from the girl who had been to my left during group.  Jimmy sat at the front of the day room, closest to the television.  During a commercial Jimmy turned around and studied me.  He then got up and started lazily walking around.  He then asked me why I was there.  I simply shrugged my shoulders and gave the floor a sad smile.  “I’ve been here twenty times.”  I then show the floor a confused look and glance up the guy.  He looked no older than eighteen and I could he had some sort of learning disability, but could he really have been in a mental hospital twenty times?

“I’ve been coming here since I was eight years old.  I’m twenty-two now.” I nodded my head.  I was being very quiet because I was still feeling insecure in my blue scrubs.  “I’m still in high school, this is actually my last year because the special needs program won’t let people over twenty-two go.”  I didn’t understand why he was telling this all to me while I was being rude to him.  I listened but I was still very grumpy about being here and being stripped of my personal possessions, especially my clothes.

The program came back on and Jimmy turned to it then sat back down with a thud.  I stood up and asked for my bedroom door to be unlocked so that I may lie down.

The next day, Jimmy refused to wake up for breakfast… and morning group… and physical therapy… and lunch.  When the group arrived back from lunch, we found a very tired Jimmy sitting in a chair with his head down.  He then slept through group therapy as well.  Jimmy enjoyed sleeping.

Two days later Jimmy got news that he was going to be able to go home.  What was usually great news, turned out to be Jimmy’s bad news.  When he came out of the psychiatrist’s office he looked angry.  With him having the label as a “Danger to Others”, I was afraid.  He then walked down the hallway and slammed his fist into his locked door.  Sue immediately tried to calm him down but it only made him kick the walls harder.  Sue, who is about 4 feet tall, refused to give up trying to calm him down.

It took about an hour, but Jimmy did stop beating against the defenseless walls.  However, I was still very wary of him and refused to get too close to him.  The reason he didn’t want to go home was because his foster parents were not letting him go to a school sleep over.  They knew that the kid that Jimmy was angry at was going to be there and they didn’t want to risk Jimmy getting into more trouble.

Personally, I don’t think Jimmy was ready to go home.  If he’s going to beat walls because he can’t go to sleepover, he’s going to hit more kids because they look at him wrong.  I mean, I fully hope that he doesn’t go to Bloomington Meadows again, but I’m willing to bet that he will be… many more times.

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Bloomington Meadows (Part II) Wednesday, May 1 2013

The next person I would like to talk about is Alyssa (I honestly can’t remember her name, but I’m pretty sure it started with an “a”).  She arrived a couple of days before me, remember that Nancy showed up a day or two after so I’m definitely not going in order of appearance.  I will forewarn you though, Alyssa’s story will most likely bring you to tears as it did me.

The first group session I went in to I was extremely shy, a little agitated, and definitely not willing to participate without a lot of huffing and puffing from Sue, our group leader.  The first thing we do, since I’m new, is introduce ourselves and how we wound up at Bloomington Meadows.  Alyssa starts with a grin that says she’s told this story over thirty times already and now it wasn’t so hard to say.  She starts off by saying she’s a “Danger to Others”, in case the title doesn’t spell it out, she has some hostility towards other people.  ”Well, actually,” she starts, “I’m a danger to other. Not others.”  This intrigued me.  I stopped staring at my hands in my lap and looked up at her.  This was the first time I noticed her dyed red, scraggly, loosely curly hair, long-sleeved sweater, and pajama pants.  She was sitting cross-legged in the chair and rocking back and forth a bit nervously.

“All right, well… Basically…”  and here I notice that maybe I was wrong in assuming her story is now easy to tell after saying it countless times.  I notice my fellow group members shift uncomfortably, the lady sitting to my left slowly pushes the tissue box closer to Alyssa.  I’m now so curious that I lean forward, prop my head on my hand, and stare at the pale, pimple scarred girl.

“I spiraled into depression a few months ago.  I didn’t get out of bed, never showered, everything seemed like too much.  I didn’t know what to do, or how to continue with my life when his had been ended.”  Sue mumbles something that I assume was “Who’s life?” even though she knows already.  ”My son’s.”  I draw in a breath.  I bite back the tears as she continues on, sometimes laughing nervously, forever staring at the table as she rocked back and forth.

“I came home one day after work to find my son dead, my then-boyfriend’s little girl seriously injured, and his son injured as well.  I didn’t know what to do so I screamed.  I remember him trying to grab me but I threw him off.  I asked him what happened and he said that kids had been playing to roughly.  I broke down crying because I knew he was lying and that he had done it.”

Now I start to cry. Without me realizing it, the girl next to me presses a tissue into my hand as she sniffles.  Alyssa continues on, rocking a little faster, laughing a little louder.  ”When the police got there they immediately arrested him. I called my mom and she came over.  I went to go stay with her.”  I notice that her sentences are getting choppy, and a little scattered.

Then she jumps a bit and says: “I want to kill him.  He’s out there walking around.  His daughter now has severe brain damage, she wasn’t born with special needs, but now she will have to live with that for the rest of her life.  That bastard robbed her of a normal life. I want to see them again.  I want my son back.  He was so beautiful.  He always smiled.  He was beautiful.  I can hear his laugh and giggles, or the smooth sound of his sleeping. I loved him so much.”

As I’m taking this all in, my body feels numb, my vision is blurred from the tears, and I can’t form any words.  I want to console her, or say something… anything. But I can’t.  Alyssa is cursing as she briefly recounts the trial.  He went to jail for a few weeks, then got out on bail.  He is now fighting to get custody of his children.

“I swear, if he gets custody… I’ll find him, and I’ll kill him.”  This is when Sue steps in and does her counseling thing to make sure she pushes down the thoughts of killing the man and turns them into thoughts of when her son was alive.

I think I forgot to mention but Alyssa’s son was 2, the young girl was 3, and his son was 5.  Very young children who lost everything because one man got violent for, what seems like, no reason at all.

Alyssa stayed there for a few more days.  She left with still a lot of pain in her and hatred for him, but I don’t think there is any amount of counseling that can extinguish the hate for someone killing your child.

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White as Snow, Red as Blood Sunday, Sep 16 2012

Too bad Snow White and the Huntsman was taken! :) I’m joking! I like my title… I bet you know what’s coming up!!!  Another speculative fiction! Woo!  This time, I’m not going to base it off of any certain one’s version.  I’m to make this one as much as my own as I possibly can, but that may be hard considering that there are so many versions!  Enjoy :)  By the way, her name is Album because that is Snow in Latin. :)

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A blanket of pure white snow-covered the castle grounds and had not yet been disturbed.  Album looked out her window and smiled for she loved the snow, and this was the first snow of the season.  She turned around and walked out of her spacious room.  The hallway was cold and the servants were bustling around to all of the rooms to light fires.  Album could not wait to step into the snow.

As she stepped outside, she let out a sigh of relief.  It had been a long hot summer, and now it was to be a cold winter.  Her bare feet stepped into the snow and immediately started to sting but she did not care.  She walked along the snow-covered path and she admired a lone red rose among the barren landscape.  “How peculiar..” she thought.  She went to pick the beautiful rose but stopped when a thorn pricked her finger.  She cursed and sucked on the finger, but not before three droplets of blood fell to the white snow.

Her finger was bleeding more than it should have, she had merely been pricked by the thorn.  However, her finger was bleeding as if she had severed it.  She walked back to the castle with her finger in her mouth.  She went through the great doors and ran into her father.  “Album!  Your lips are as red as blood.  What happened?”

“That damned rose out there.  I went to pick it and it pricked my finger.  Cursed thing won’t stop bleeding.”  She continued to suck, and wondered why it had not stopped bleeding yet.

“A lady should not talk like that.  Go and see the nurse; she’ll help you.”  Album nodded and set out to find the nurse, whom she did not care for.  As she walked down the hallway, the servants would quickly find a new route so that they would not cross paths with her.  She turned a corner sharply and found the nurse helping a small boy with a scrapped knee.

“Nurse!  My finger; it won’t stop bleeding.”  The small boy quickly got off of his chair and ran down the hallway away from Album.  The nurse motioned for her to sit down on the chair, and Album did so.

“Let’s see it,” the nurse reached for her hand and Album jerked it back.

“That hurt!  Don’t hurt me,” she scowled.

“Oh, I barely touched it.  Give it here,” the nurse grabbed her wrist and abruptly brought it close to her.  The blood was now spilling over and landing on the floor in small droplets for Album had not sucked on it for a few seconds.  “I’ll put a bandage on it try to make it stop bleeding.  But you shall live to tell the tale.”  The nurse gave her a condescending smile.

Album jerked her arm back and grunted as she left the nurse.  She then went back to her room to change out of her nightdress.

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“Father, you barely know this woman.  Do you really think you should be marrying her?”  Album was sitting in a large lounge chair in her father’s bedroom.  The king was putting on his most expensive clothes and was about to don his crown.

“Album, I love her.  I know that your mother’s death has been a shock for the both of us, but Stella will be good for both us.  And I know her well, we were friends while your mother was still alive.”  He was straightening his crown now.

“More like you were sleeping with her.”  Album mumbled.

“I heard that, young lady.  And I do not appreciate your accusations.  We were simply friends.”

“Is that why mother killed herself?  Because you loved another woman and not her?  Is that why you two were always fighting?”

The king slammed his fists down onto his vanity.  “I have had it.  Leave, now.  And put on a proper dress.  You know it’s disrespectful to wear black to a wedding.”

Album stood up and left the room with no intentions of changing her dress.

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Princes And Mermaids (Part IX) Friday, Jun 29 2012

Alas, we have reached the end of our Little Mermaid adventure.  Just to let you know, the very end is a bit different from Andersen’s…  But it’s similar.. if that makes any sense. :) Did you expect this ending??  Enjoy! :)

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Ariel woke up in darkness.  She had no idea what time it was, but saw that the moon was high in the sky.  She was still in her green dress, and it shimmered in the moonlight.  She slowly pulled the knife out of her under-dress and tested the weight in her hand.

She felt beside herself, like she wasn’t in her body.  She slowly walked over to the prince’s bedroom.  Ariel opened the door silently and walked in.  The knife was gripped in her hand as she looked at the bed.  Eric and Christina were in the bed, he was holding her in the arms that used to hold Ariel.

Ariel felt a bitter taste in her mouth and raised the knife above her head.  She stared at him.  His features were even more beautiful in the soft moonlight.  Tears started to fill her eyes and her vision was blurred.  She thought of what she was about to do, what was going to happen.  She was going to slay the prince and turn back into a mermaid.  She would return to the sea and live for over three hundred years, while the prince had merely a few minutes left to live.

Ariel dropped her arms to her sides.  She couldn’t do it.  He looked so happy with his new wife; how could Ariel ruin that for him?  She sat down on the floor with her back pressed against the bed and noticed that the moon was low in the sky now.  She sighed and stood up.

She stole one last look of the prince, and kissed his cheek lightly.  Ariel left the room silently and walked out to the beach.  She watched the sun start to rise in the horizon.  She first threw the knife far out into the sea and watched it splash in the water.

Ariel walked out to the edge of a pier.  She tried to speak, but nothing came out.  She wanted to say, “I love you more than anything,” but just settled with mouthing the words.  She stretched her arms out and slowly fell forward into the ocean.  She felt the water surround her and she squeezed her eyes shut, waiting to be turned into sea-foam.  Then everything went black and she left the world peacefully.

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Ariel’s eyes fluttered open.  She was surprised to see that she was floating in the air.  She sat upright, but found that she was sitting on a cloud.  “What the…” she grabbed her throat.  “I’m able to talk?  Where am I?”  She looked around but only saw clouds.  When she turned completely around she saw large golden gates.

Ariel stood up and was relieved to find that her feet no longer hurt.  She took one careful step, wondering if she was going to fall through the clouds, but she found that it was firm and safe.  She walked over to the large gates and tried to peer in but only saw rolling hills of white clouds.  “Hello?”  Ariel looked around but saw no one.  “Is anyone here?”

She began to wonder if she was going to live here in isolation for ever.  She couldn’t figure out why she didn’t just turn into sea-foam.  “Ariel,” the loud booming voice caused Ariel to scream and fall to her knees.  She covered her ears and trembled on the floor.  “Stand up, there is no reason to be afraid.”  Ariel barely opened one eye and saw a pair of sandaled feet standing in front of her.  She looked up and saw that the person was wearing a brown robe, as she continued to look up she saw a large brown beard.  “Please, stand up.”

Ariel did as she was told and was face to face with a man who seemed to hold a lot of power.  “Hello…” was Ariel could think to say.

The man chuckled.  “Do you know who I am?”  Ariel was ashamed that she did not.  “That’s okay, my child.  I’m the Lord Jesus.  I watch over the humans of the Earth.  I have watched you too, and I must say, you are a very interesting girl.”

“Thank you, sir.  May I ask why I am here?  I thought that I was supposed to turn into sea-foam.”

The man nodded thoughtfully.  “You were, but I saved you.  Your selfless act showed me that you deserve a second chance.  You now have an eternal life here in my palace.  Unless you would rather be sea-foam?”  He smiled and it caused Ariel to smile as well.

“I would be honored to live here, but I would feel out-of-place.  I know that some people have worshiped you for their entire life, and I have just met you.  I don’t think I have earned this.”

“My child, walk with me.”  They stepped through the opened gates in a beautiful garden.  Ariel wondered how this had gotten here, but decided to not question it.  “You are wiser beyond your years.  If I grant you permission to live here, then you may live here.  The people who live here all respect me and my decision, anyone who would question that does belong here.  This is a holy place and should only contain holy thoughts.  Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.  I understand.  And I would be honored to live here.”  He smiled and Ariel was confronted by a bright light.  “What’s going on?”

“Welcome to my kingdom, Ariel.”

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Princes And Mermaids (Part VIII) Wednesday, Jun 27 2012

I bet you’re going around in circles trying to figure out what’s going to happen next!  But don’t worry, I am too!!!!  Enjoy! :)

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She had a restless night.  She tossed and turned and each time she fell asleep a new dream appeared.  One was about her killing the prince, but she woke up before her dream self stabbed him.  In another, she turned into sea-foam and everything went black.  Each dream was different, but they all were the same in one aspect: none of them made her feel any better.

She slowly got out of bed and realized that the knife was in plain sight.  She quickly grabbed it and frantically searched for a place to hide it.  She finally decided on putting it under her skirt, figuring that no one would look there.  She carefully placed the sheathed knife under her skirts against her right hip.  It felt safe and secure, but incredibly intimidating.

There was a quick knock on her door and she checked herself in the mirror to make sure it was not visible before she answered the door.  “Where were you last night?”   The prince looked stern and Ariel felt her heart thump and knew that he could see the knife.  “Marlain told me that you were sick, but when I came here last night, you were nowhere to be found.  Would you care to explain?”

Ariel shook her head and he grunted.  “Whatever.  Christina and I have decided to get married tomorrow.  If you’re feeling up to it, I would like for you to be there.”

What a bastard, Ariel thought.  He’s teasing me now!  He has to be.  I may just kill them both.  But she quickly shook that thought from her head.  She was not able to kill a fly, let alone a human she loved.  “Ariel, will you be there?”  She stared at him for a few long moments before she decided to nod her head.  His face relaxed and he hugged her.

She felt herself long for him to hold her, but her rational self pushed him away.  “What?  Why did you do that?”  Ariel shook her head and turned away.  “Ariel, what’s wrong?”  She dropped her hands to her sides, still not facing him.  She wished that she could scream at him right now.  Eric grabbed her shoulder and spun her around so that she was face to face with him.  “Ariel?”

She stared into his eyes with disbelief.  Why was he playing with her heart like this?  She pointed an accusing finger at him and shook it wildly in his face.  He backed away and his eyes bulged.  Then Ariel’s hands were flying around as she frantically tried to demonstrate that what he was doing to her was unfair.  That he should be faithful to Christina and talk sweetly to Ariel, or hug her, or… even the kisses had to stop.

As her charade ended, her motions slowed.  “I didn’t know you felt this way.  I’m terribly sorry; it won’t happen anymore.”  His eyes were staring at the floor and he was shifting his weight nervously.  Without another word he left.

Then Ariel was stuck with her thoughts.  Suddenly she realized that in two days she would be dead.  She collapsed and hit the floor with a loud thud, and on the way down she hit her head on the bed post.  She tried to get up but her vision was claimed by darkness and she drifted off into a deep sleep.

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“Ariel… Ariel…”  she felt like getting sick all of a sudden.  When she opened her eyes she quickly leaned over and vomited.  The pain in her stomach was intense, but nothing compared to when she drank the potion.  “Oh, that’s okay.  I’ll go get some towels.”  She looked up and watched Marlain leave the room.  She was still on the floor and she felt an intense pain in her head.

The room was spinning as she tried to sit up.  Ariel didn’t move for a long time, she just sat with her back resting on the bed.  Marlain walked in carrying a handful of towels.  “How are you feeling, sweetheart?”  Ariel slowly shook her head.  “You just relax.  We’ll get this cleaned up for you in a jiffy.  What happened last night?”

Ariel sat with her head between legs, trying to get her head to stop spinning.  It took many long moments before she felt stable again.  She slowly stood up with the help of Marlain, and she sat her on the bed.  “Ariel, do you know what day it is?”  She slowly shook her head and tried to remember what happened the day prior.  “It’s Sunday morning, the prince is getting married tonight.  What were you two talking about last night?  Oh, I don’t know why I ask you questions.  Never mind sweetheart.  Are you going to the wedding?”

Ariel thought for a moment and nodded her head.  “Okay, we have about two hours to get you ready.  I’ll go pick out your dress and get you some food and water.  Just wait here.”  Ariel did as she was told and wondered what tomorrow would bring.  She then felt the weight of the knife presses against her hip.  She sighed and again tried to figure out which side she should take.

When her thoughts were in full swing, Marlain came bursting into the room carrying a large, green, sparkling gown.  Ariel quickly dressed, leaving the knife in her under-dress, and ate a few bites of bread and drank a couple sips of water.  “Now, I understand that you are sick, but you need to eat more.  At least finish the water.”   Ariel finished the water and winced as her stomach rumbled.

Marlain sighed and helped her to her feet.  Ariel felt as though she was walking on shards of glass, and each step grew more painful than the last.  But, she made it the chapel and sat in the back rows of the congregation.  There were already many people waiting for the bride to walk down the aisle.  Marlain left to make sure that the dining hall was ready for the feast after the wedding, and Ariel put her down on her lap and tried to calm herself.

Then the dreaded organ played.  Ariel sighed and stood up to watch the bride grace down the aisle.  She fought back tears as she caught sight of Eric, looking rather handsome in his suit.  Christina came down the aisle and had a smile that crossed her entire face.  When the priest told them to be seated, Ariel sat and let her head rest on the back of the pew in front of her.  She suppressed her sobs as much as she could, but let a few tears run down her cheek.

When the ceremony was over, Ariel was the first one out of the church.  She ran to her room, ignoring the pain in her feet, and threw herself onto the bed.  She let out all of the sobs and eventually cried herself to sleep.

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Princes And Mermaids (Part VII) Sunday, Jun 24 2012

This is all getting very sad :(  But maybe there will be a happy ending!  Who knows!  Enjoy :)

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Ariel slept in the prince’s arms that night.  She dreamed of merfolk and sea creatures.  When she woke up, she was still in his arms.  She began to wonder if it would be always be like this but was abruptly hit with the memory of the previous night.  Her head started to spin as she thought about his last words to her.  “I’m going to marry her, Ariel.”  She didn’t want to think about what this meant for her and her future.

She laid there and thought about her possibilities for a long time before Eric finally stirred.  She pretended to be asleep and let him stroke her hair.  He kissed her forehead and she let her eyes drift open.  He wasn’t smiling, but he looked content.  “Good morning, my dear.”  Ariel kissed his cheek and thought that she had him back and that last night was just a small hiccup.

“I will probably sound awful when I ask this, but I mean it in the most sincere way possible.  Will you please help me prepare for this wedding?  I’m going to ask Christina to marry me.”  Ariel tried to show no emotion but knew that that would be near impossible.  “I’m sorry.  You don’t have to, I would understand.”  She nodded her head thoughtfully.  “So, yes or no?”

After a few long moments of thinking, she decided to nod her head.  She figured that the only way to get him back was to keep him close.  “Fabulous!  We’ll start as soon as possible!  This is going to be the best wedding in all of history.”  He smiled and Ariel forced a smile onto her face.  He rolled out of the bed and put on a fresh shirt, much to her dismay.

“You should probably go get dressed.  I’ll see you at dinner?  We’ll start planning then.”  Ariel nodded her head and left the room without looking at the man she was in love with.

Ariel spent her day in her room.  She thought a lot of what was going to happen in the near future.  For a long while she was rocking herself back and forth and crying because she was afraid of death.  She knew that if the prince married Christina then she would turn into sea-foam.  Her cries turned into sobs.

At some point during the day she fell asleep.  Marlain shook her awake and made tsking noises.  “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?  Come on, let’s clean you up.  It’s almost time for dinner.”  Marlain was talking slower than she usually did.  She helped Ariel sit up in bed and sat down next to her, she rubbed her back gently.  “It’s about the princess isn’t it.”  Ariel nodded her head and broke out into another episode of sobs.  Marlain let Ariel rest her head on her shoulder and patted her hair.

“I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, but I do know that you are beautiful.  Don’t worry, my love, there will be plenty of other men begging for your hand.”  This made Ariel sob harder, for she knew that she could never love another man.  Marlain made soothing sounds and patted her head.  “It’ll be okay.  Just keep your head up.  Do you still want to go to dinner tonight?”

Ariel shook her head and Marlain agreed.  “You stay here as long as you want.  If you need me, you know where to find me.”  Marlain smiled at Ariel and left her.  Ariel laid back down cried for many hours until sleep claimed her again.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

When she woke up again the sky was dark.  She decided to take another walk on the beach to see if her sister was there again.  Ariel stood up and was crippled by the intense pain her feet.  She let out a cry of pain, but no sound came out.  This was the first time she was ever thankful for her muteness.

She struggled to get outside, but when she was she let out a sigh as her feet stepped onto the soft sand.  She went to the same place that she saw Shia before.  Ariel sat down and drew pictures in the sand, constantly looking up to the ocean.  Everything was illuminated tonight by the full moon.

“Pst!  Ariel!”  Ariel looked up quickly and saw five heads swimming towards her.  Her face broke out in a huge smile.  She first saw Mia, the fourth born, the Natalia, the second born, then Jaya, Leah, the third born, and Shia brought up the rear.  When they all emerged from the water, Ariel gasped.  All of their hair was crudely cut short in a boyish style.

Ariel lowered her eyebrows and all of the girls smiled.  Leah said, “We traded our hair for this.”  Natalia pulled a knife out of her bag and offered it to Ariel.  She shook her head, not wanting to handle the weapon, so Natalia set it down on the beach in front of her.

Jaya then said, “When Shia told us what had happened to you, we all agreed to find a solution for you.  We talked to Ursula and she said that if you kill the prince with this knife and let his blood drop onto your feet, you’ll be turned back into a mermaid and be able to come home.”  Ariel gasped and shook her head violently.  She made a motion of cutting her arm, to ask if she could just cut him and not kill him.  “We asked that, he has to be killed.”  Jaya’s voice had no emotion in it and it disturbed Ariel.

“Ariel, you have to do it,” said Mia.  Mia was the sweetest and she loved Ariel the most.  “I miss you so much.  I can’t bear another day without you.”  Ariel fought back her tears and looked back at Jaya, the strongest.

“Leave it to Ariel to screw everything up,” said Shia.  “But your legs still look amazing.”  Everyone agreed and touched her legs, making sure that they were real.

“You need to do it Ariel.  I’m not going to let you die.”  Jaya’s face was hard and she looked like she had aged since the last time Ariel saw her.

Ariel reached for the knife slowly.  She gripped the handle and pulled it to her.  It was heavy but felt strong in her hand.  The blade was straight and pointed, the handle had intricate designs on it.  She nodded her head at her sisters.  Ariel wasn’t sure if she was going to do it, but wanted to reassure her sisters.

They all said their good byes and parted.  Ariel walked to her bedroom with the knife in her hands.  She laid it on the bedside table and studied it all night.  The war raging in her head was giving her a headache.  Each side had a valid point, but she could not come to terms with killing the one man she loved.

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Princes And Mermaids (Part VI) Wednesday, Jun 20 2012

I’m sorry this one took a while to publish, I was plagued with some writer’s block.  But here it is, and be prepared for a few curve balls!  Enjoy :)

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Ariel woke up to the sound of shouting outside her door.  She put on a new green dress that Marlain had set out for her.  The woman insisted that she wear green. for it brought out the color in her eyes.

She stepped outside her bedroom and was nearly knocked over by a man running down the hall, carrying a large pot.  “Pardon me,” he said stiffly.  Ariel stepped out of the way and looked at her surroundings.  It seemed that everyone was bustling and running from place to place.  Ariel spotted Marlain down the hall, she walked towards her and tried to capture her attention by waving her arms.  Marlain saw her and smiled broadly.

“Hi sweetheart, what are you doing?  Oh can you believe it?  In the middle of the night we get a message saying that the princess and her father are coming here today!  They want to have dinner with the prince and his father.  In the middle of the night!”  She grunted and ordered someone to set the table.  “So, now we are all trying to get the castle ready for this dinner.  It should be fine, but who knows.  Will you be joining them for the dinner?”  Ariel shrugged her shoulders and Marlain gave a chuckle.  “What is going on between you and the prince?  I’ve been hearing rumors fly around… Are any of them true?”

Ariel was astonished to hear that there were rumors about her.  She wondered what they were and if any of them were true, or made her into something that she is not.  She shook her head to tell Marlain that she did not want to answer.  “Oh, I’m sure it is all phish-posh.  No need to worry.”  She smiled and walked away with out another word.

Ariel set off to find the prince.  She first went to his bedroom, but there was no one in there.  Then she started to wander, walking aimlessly.  She lost track of where she was, where she had been, and began to study the walls and artwork.  It was all very beautiful and odd to her.  She came across a painting of mermaids.  It was a very accurate portrayal of their most famous celebration, “Awakening Day”.  The merfolk celebrate the day that Ursula’s curse was lifted.

Ursula had cursed the merfolk because Ariel’s father, King Triton, had scolded Ursula for practicing in the dark arts.  The dark arts were forbidden in their happy community, but Ursula would not listen.  So Triton banished her out of the community and she did not take the news very well.  She cast a spell on the entire land that made everyone turn on each other.  A large war broke out that lasted many years.  It wasn’t until a merman from another city came, that the fighting slowed.  The merman helped them see the error of their ways and everyone loved each other after that.  But the decided to celebrate it so that they don’t forget that it can happen.

Ariel was studying the picture, she let her fingers run over her father’s long white beard, and wondered how this painting came about.  She also noticed that to the right of her father was a girl with red hair and a green tail.  Ariel gasped then heard something behind her and turned around.

“Beautiful painting, isn’t it?”  Ariel was relieved to see that it was Eric.  She nodded her head and turned back to it.  Eric came next to her and studied the painting.  “You know, this may sound crazy but that mermaid looks just like you.  Her hair, eyes, everything.  I’m crazy aren’t I?  There’s no way you are a mermaid.”  Ariel smiled and nodded her head.  Eric laughed and turned to her.

“Ariel, I’m sure you already know, but the princess is coming tonight for dinner.  Would you join us please?  I don’t think that I can handle this alone.”  His face was sweet, and his eyes were sparkling.  Ariel nodded her head and threw her arms around his neck.  She started to realize that the pain in her feet was subsiding.

Perhaps, the more he loves me, the less my feet hurt?  She did not know if this thought was accurate, but either way her feet weren’t hurting as much as they had been.  Eric gave her a tight squeeze and said, “Tonight at six, meet me in the dining room.”  Ariel nodded her head against his shoulder and she kissed his neck.  She couldn’t help herself, she loved him too much.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

She took a deep breath in and slowly let the air out, she was unsure of what lay behind the double doors, but knew that her prince was waiting for her.  She pulled the handle down and pushed the door open.  She first saw the prince’s father, sitting at the head of the table on the far side, then she saw the prince sitting to his right.  She smiled and walked over to his side.

He smiled at her and got up and pulled out her chair.  “Sit here,” she smiled and sat in the chair.  When she sat down, the doors opened and a very elegant woman stepped in.  Her dress was beautiful and sparkled in the light.  Ariel was taken aback by her beauty.  “That’s the princess.”  Eric answered her unspoken question.

The woman walked over and sat across from her, and her escort sat next to her.  Eric stuttered, not knowing why she did not wait for him to pull out her chair.  “Hello Eric.  Do you remember me?”  Her voice was smooth and confident.

Eric seemed to not recognize the girl, but then Ariel saw realization cross his face.  “Are you the girl from the beach?  The one that saved me?”

The woman smiled and nodded her head.  “I’m glad to see you’re still breathing.  My name is Christina.  Will you please have a seat, you’re making me nervous.”  Eric sat down slowly, never taking his eyes off of her.  Ariel started to get very scared that she was losing her prince.  “Who’s your friend?”

“Oh, this is my friend, Ariel.”  Eric then snapped out of his stare and smiled at Ariel, but Ariel knew that she was going to have to work extra hard to get her prince back.

The dinner seemed to drag on forever, and Ariel felt more and more like a third wheel the longer it went on.  She wasn’t able to participate in the conversation, other than a few head nods or smiles.  She could tell that Eric was loving the back and forth conversation.

When the dinner was over, Eric took Ariel’s hand and pulled her close to him.  She thought that he was going kiss her, but he put his head next to her ear and whispered to her.  “Come to my room tonight.”  Ariel nodded her head and felt her head spin.  Perhaps she hasn’t lost him completely.

She hugged the woman goodbye and retired to her bedroom.  She waited for the sun to set completely before she left her chamber and walked down the hall to Eric’s room.  She slowly knocked on the door and he immediately opened it.

She was confused for a second, for he was not wearing his shirt.  He grabbed her and abruptly brought her into his room.  She tried to ask him what was going on, but nothing came out.  She scowled at him but his back was facing her.  She grabbed his shoulder and made him face her.  His face was an array of emotions, but her’s was stuck in the scowl.

“Ariel, please, not tonight.  I just want to talk to you.  There are so many thoughts going through my head.  Just sit down.”  He would not look her in the eye and it disturbed her.  She slowly walked over to the bed and sat down.  She studied his back.  It was strong and rippled with muscles that shifted with every movement.  She felt her heartbeat quicken as he turned around and she got a good look at his chest and flat stomach.

He walked over to her and handed her a glass of red liquid.  It smelled bitter but sweet, and when she sipped it, it tasted the same.  “It’s wine, if you don’t like it I’ll take it.”  She shook her head and sipped the bitterness again.  He smiled and sat down next to her.  “I can’t believe that she was the girl who saved me.”

She knew that he was talking about Christina, and her name sounded like nails on chalkboard to her.  She took a long swig from her cup and set it down, her head was starting to feel fuzzy.  “I vowed that night that I would marry that girl when I found her.”  Ariel’s head was suddenly clear and her eyes shot open.  She looked at him and he was refusing to look at her.

“I’m going to marry her, Ariel.”  If Ariel had had her voice, she would have screamed at him.  She would have told him that it was she who swam him from the boat to the shore and sang to him.  She would tell him that he was meant to be with her and not some girl he just met.  But, alas, she could not scream at him.  She could only sit in her own silence.  And it was killing her.

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My Little Cubbies! Tuesday, Jun 19 2012

I am writing this post for my Cubbies!  My mom and I have been coaching this adorable 8 and under softball team all summer, and we are nearing the end of the season!  It’s terribly sad to be at the end, but I’m also incredibly happy to have been with these girls the entire time!  Well here it is :)

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Dear Cubbies,

As you know, we are nearing the end of our season.  It is a very bittersweet moment for me and the other coaches.  We have all been here since the beginning and at the beginning, most of you did not know how to throw a ball.  Now look at you!  Alexis can throw the ball from third base to first base and Gabby can catch it and get an out!

At the beginning, Brinna could hardly swing a bat.  Now she’s hitting the ball and pulling out doubles.  Everyone’s bats are getting so much better!  And let’s not even get started on Trinity’s bat… We are the team to beat, and I know that you all know it.

Watching you all grow as a team has been an amazing experience.  It started with none of you knowing who anyone else was, and now we are all friends, and will probably continue to be friends.  I hope that you all come back next year, and when you do, I’ll be sure to find each one of you and make sure that your new coach is nearly as good as Coach Mel, but I think we all know that she is the best coach ever.

From the very beginning we were set up for disaster.  Most of the other teams have twelve to fourteen girls, and we had eleven.  But then three of the girls decided to not show up… ever.  So we tried our best to make our bare minimum team a great team.  To be honest, I thought we weren’t going to be very good; the odds were totally against us.  But none of you let these odds get the better of you.  You all rose up like phoenix’s and became the best player’s you could be.  As a coach, this was a blessing.  We didn’t have to force any of you to enjoy this game, which is incredible for an 8u team!

After our games, Coach Mel and I would talk about the game and how amazing you all are.  We would laugh about some of the things that would happen, like Lilly being the pitcher and running to the edge of the circle to get the ball, but never actually leaving the circle.  It’s these moments that we live for!

I hope that you all remember this team, your teammates, your coaches, and the amazing games that we had (even the ones we lost, because even they were victories in our hearts).  I hope that when you all continue with your softball careers, that you remember how it started and who got you to this point in your life.  Also, never forget that it was your parents, grandparents, siblings, and other family members that drove you to each practice, game, and outing.  They deserve just as much credit as everyone else.

Alex, Alexis, Trinity, Brinna, Eliza, Gabby, Lily, Lanie, and Grace, please continue playing softball, for I know that you all love it and that it is in your heart.

Love always,

Coach Shy

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Princes and Mermaids (Part V) Sunday, Jun 17 2012

This part I really love :)  I don’t want to spoil it, but I think you’ll love this part as well.  There’s just something so touching about it… Well, until the bad news comes…

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“Ariel, do you realize how beautiful you are?”  She blushed shyly and averted her eyes from his intense blue eyes.  “So beautiful… Do you dance?”  Ariel didn’t know what this word meant, but she remembered Ursula saying that she would now be able to dance as beautifully as she sang.  To answer Eric, she scrunched up her face to express that she was confused.

“Come here, I’ll show you.”  He rolled out of the bed and walked around to the side that Ariel was laying on.  They were often in his room because it was the only place that was private.  Everywhere else was crawling with people, and Ariel and Eric liked to talk to each other in the privacy of his room.  They never were intimate, mostly because Ariel did not understand his flirting, but also because Eric was secretly wanting to marry her and not turn her into a whore.

Ariel accepted his waiting hand and tried not wince at the pain she felt in her feet.  She wondered if the pain would ever subside.  He placed the hand the he was holding onto his shoulder and let his hand rest on the small of her back.  Then he gently reached for her other hand and held it in his.  With his right hand, the one on her back, he gently pushed her closer to him.  She resisted slightly but let him control her.  She smiled as she stumbled into his chest.

“There we go.  Now, follow my lead.”  He stepped towards and she did the same, but ended up stepping on him.  He started laughing and said, “No sweetheart, when I step towards you, you step away.”  Ariel nodded her head in determination.  She was going to learn to dance, no matter how much it hurt her.

He stepped towards her again, and she stepped away with the mirroring foot.  Then he swayed slowly and she swayed with him.  Their steps were small and slow, but Ariel felt her heart beating rapidly and she was afraid that Eric was able to feel it too.

“See?  Not so hard, right?”  She nodded her head and leaned back so that she could look into his eyes.  But to her astonishment, he leaned into her and his lips met hers.  She had never kissed a merman before, but her sisters had and had told her about it.  So she closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around his back as he slid his arms tighter around her back.

When they pulled apart, they were both trying to catch their breath.  “And I thought you were innocent and naive.  Where did you learn to kiss like that?”  She lifted her hand to show that something was taller than she.  “Your mother?”  Ariel used her fingers to show that he was close to the answer.  “Sister?”  Ariel nodded her head and held up one hand, to show that she had five.  “You have five sisters?  Where are they?”  Ariel shrugged her shoulders, not wanting to explain that she was from the sea.

He was about to question her further but there was a knock at the door.  Before he could answer, the door opened and his father walked in.  “Oh, I’m sorry.  Am I interrupting something?”  The old man had a deceptive look to his eye.

“No, father, I was just teaching Ariel how to dance.  What do you need?”

His father grunted and said in a low voice, “May I speak to you alone please?”  Eric started to protest but the old man lifted his hand and left without another word.

“I best go, or else he’ll send a guard to retrieve me.  I’ll be back before too long, okay?  Will you be here upon my return?”  Ariel nodded and kissed his cheek.  When he was at the doorway, he turned back and Ariel waved to him.  He smiled and waved back.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Ariel had fallen asleep in the prince’s bed.  The sun had set a few hours before Eric came back.  Ariel didn’t notice he had returned until she felt his soft lips on her forehead.  Her eyes fluttered open and she saw the smiling face of the beautiful prince.  “Hey beautiful.  Sorry it took so long.”  Ariel shrugged her shoulders and sat up to kiss him.

But he pulled away.  “Ariel, I can’t.”  She didn’t like that he looked so stressed.  She patted the empty area next to her and he jumped over her and landed on the soft mattress next to Ariel.  She placed her hand on his cheek and searched his face for an answer.

“I was just speaking with my father.  He said that I need to marry the neighboring princess.  I don’t even know who that is!  I don’t love her.  I love… never mind that.  But how does he expect me to love and marry a girl I don’t know?”

He looked into her eyes and felt a stabbing pain in his stomach when he saw how hurt she looked.  He sighed and said, “I just don’t know what to do.”  Ariel got out of the bed and started twirling around.  She didn’t know if what she was doing was the proper way to dance alone, but she desperately wanted to make her love happy.

He didn’t say anything, nor do anything.  He just sat there and watched Ariel dance as she tried to not show her pain.  “Ariel, I love that you’re dancing for me.  Please, never stop.  This is making me so happy.  Thank you.”  Ariel smiled and continued to dance, even though she was certain that her feet were bleeding.

She couldn’t handle the pain anymore so she went back to the bed and laid down next to Eric.  “Thank you so much.”  He kissed her forehead.  “I’m not going to marry her.  I can’t.”

Ariel left him so that he could get some sleep.  However, she was not tired and decided to visit the beach.

She silently stepped out of the large castle and let out a sigh as her feet touched the sand.  This was the first time that they did not hurt her when she walked.  She walked out to the edge and stepped into the water.  The coolness was refreshing.

She sat down and let her feet float in the water.  As she looked out to the sea, she noticed movement to her left.  She tried to make out what it was, but there was no moon to offer any light.  Then she saw the water moving restlessly around her.

Then she saw a head pop out of the water.  She gasped and it came closer.  “Ariel!  Ariel, it’s me, Shia!”  Ariel tried to greet her, but then quickly remembered that the sea-witch had her voice.

“What the hell are you doing?  Where have you been?  Where’s your tail?”  She cursed a few times and Ariel was appalled to hear her sister use these explicit words.  “Ariel! Answer me!  What’s wrong with you?”

Ariel sighed and tried to speak, to show her sister that it was impossible.  “What is going on?  Why can’t you speak?  Ariel, what have you done?”  Ariel looked her sister in the eyes and tried to explain using her hands what had happened.

“I understand.  I can’t believe you did this!  You don’t even realize what is going on down there!  Father has been freaking out.  Everyone has been searching for you, and many people thought that you were dead.  This boy better be worth it.”  Then Ariel told her sister about the prince, and the new news and what it possible meant for her.

“You’re not serious are you?  You are going to die because this idiot is going to marry someone else.  Are you really that naive?”  Ariel cringed at her sister’s cruelty, but knew that she was right.  She dropped her head between her knees and started to cry.

“Honey, it’ll be okay.  We’ll figure this out.  And, for the record, your legs look amazing!  I might have to get a pair.”  Ariel laughed because she knew that her sister was joking, but it made her feel better.  “Hang in there Ariel.  Everything will be okay.”

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